You know the kind of night when you end up bellied up to the bar doing shots of Jager and talking shit to some guy from Texarkana for two and a half hours about the similarities between a taco and Britney Spears?
I just realized that we have 10,000 pages of alcohol information on the Drunk Mans Guide, and not one quote from Norm.
We’re going to fix that right now! Following are some great lines from Norm in Cheers:
- Coach: How are you doing, Norm?
Norm: Cut the small talk and get me a beer.
- Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
- Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what’s up?
Norm: The warranty on my liver.
- Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: I heard of that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it.
- Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
- Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?
- Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
- Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, you got room for a beer?
Norm: Nope, but I am willing to add on.
- Sam: What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
- What’s doing, Norm?
“Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig.”
- How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
I’m sorry to hear that.
“No, I mean pour.”
Talk about Oral History!! Here’s a historical Cocktail you might like to make! It’s the 10th Anniversary of the Famous Blue Dress and Monica, and the Oval Office, and Mr. Bill. To make yourself feel better, make a Lewd Lewinski. The recipe is perfect, really, try it.
Look at this picture. Do you ever feel like this? I mean this guy is the poster child for hangovers. Don’t you wish there was something you could do about it?
Ok, dumb question.
Truth is that while there may not be a silver bullet cure, there are things you can do to lower the chances of getting a hangover, or lessen the severity of a hangover if one becomes inevitable.
That’s why we have developed a page dedicated to helping you avoid the ill effects of hangovers, and perhaps have a better time in the process.
Take a look at our Hangover Cure page.
Then, take a look at some Mixed Drink Recipes:
For those of you who have been binging it and are out of the loop, it’s time to pick another President. Normally the thought of a year’s worth of political bickering and negative campaign ads would be enough to drive a man to drinking.
But we’re drunks, and we know how to have fun! That’s why we cooked up the Drunk Man’s Guide Presidential Race Drinking Game.
With this game if your candidate wins, you’re already in the celebratory mood. If someone else wins, then you’re too drunk to feel your teeth anyway, so fuck it.
Play the Drunk Man’s Guide Presidential Race Drinking Game today!
Drink Choices for Today:
There are times when it is beneficial to forget where you put something. No, I’m not talking about your car keys when you’ve had a few too many at a friend’s house. I’m talking about serious things that could be used against you in a court of law, or the secret government plans you stole off a dead Russian, or a really good bottle of Scotch.
You need to hide these things because, let’s face it, you can’t trust you!
Up until now it has been impossible to actually forget where you put the thing because, try as you might, the more you try to forget where you put it, the more you think about where it is.
Fortunately, we at DMG Labs have developed a perfect method of hiding something from yourself. In the interest of science, we have included detailed instructions here: How To Hide Something From Yourself.
Choice Drinks For Today:
My keg went dry in the kegerator at around 10:15 in the evening on Christmas Eve. I was in no condition to drive, and a winter storm had just started to drop what would turn out to be about 9 inches of snow at my house. Even if it weren’t snowing, I’m sure the liquor store was already closed anyway. Most men would have panicked, but I wasn’t worried.
There was no way I was going to drive my drunk ass to the liquor store through that kind of weather. No matter, I have enough booze stockpiled in my basement to last me until about March. By then I’m sure the snowplow will come by.
It does go to show that you can never be too prepared for an emergency. To help you avoid Keg’s Empty Grief Syndrome (KEGS), I have developed a little list here that should go a long way toward making sure you have everything you need in case a weather or civil emergency strikes your neighborhood.
- Beer – it’s a good idea to keep at least a week’s worth in your home. Take the number of beers you drink per day and multiply that number by 12. That’s how much beer you drink in a week.
- Liquor – You will want to make sure you can make it through a month of weather related turmoil without drinking up all your good Scotch. Liquor stores may be closed for a long time, so it’s important to get some cheap stuff and hide it in the crawl-space under your house.
- Food and stuff – You will also need some food. Keep in mind you should stockpile nutritious foods that you enjoy and can keep for a very long time:
- Maraschino Cherries
- Pop Corn
- Beef Jerky
There is no point in keeping too much beer in the house. Beer will spoil over time, and if your idiot friends find it, then they will probably drink it all anyway.
Remember that by following these simple precautions, you will never run out of alcohol or nutritious food during an emergency. What’s more, keeping a stash of supplies also helps in case of an unplanned period of unemployment.
10. Your donated blood is only given to recipients over the age of 21
9. You’ve ever stepped on your own fingers
8. Your birthday is a holiday in Ireland
7. You start your mornings by picking up the phone, hitting the redial button, and apologizing to whoever answers
6. Your cab driver is making a nice second income off of the cell phones, lighters, and other shit that falls out of your pockets
5. You drank so much last night you dissolved a urinal cake all by yourself
4. You know how to say, “Where are my pants” in at least 4 languages.
3. You can see your own breath in July
2. You install shag carpet because it’s easy to hang on to
1. Your idea of “sobering up” is to switch to beer